I want to state that my actions/behavior was good, but in my case things were very odd and he wasnt good for me. Am I wrong to be upset about this? Youre being crazy all Ive done is try to talk to her. Second of all, your wife is thinking of her own pain and rightfully so but there is also the possibility of healing together, growing through this, and coming out stronger as an individual and as a couple. The truth is that a boyfriend or husband can never give to us what our parents didnt give it would never be enough. All the research bears me out. but we still communicate and LOVE is still strong. 3 Keys to a Spectacular Marriage is on the menu of my site. And I cant understand whats on his mind. Because I think my expectations are that it should be happening already, faster than it is. It was as if I wanted her but wanted to still be the lazy guy. Hi Dr Deb. just please be honest with me if it. I really need your expert advice because I dont know am I wasting my time trying and hoping that my husband will fall in love with me and want our marriage to work. He was insanely jealous that Peter was going to remain there whilst we left. Can you advise what should I do now? The relationship didnt end up with me stalking her or hating her and I think thats a sign of maturity. He worked construction under a friend. I have never cheated on him, nor have I tried to hurt him the way he has truly hurt me. However, right now I am in so much pain. Told him. Ask your therapist his or her orientation. WHAT AMINNOT GETTING? So from there we reconnected. I hate to keep saying therapy in this column but I guess thats why God created therapists. He wants to divorce now but i have been fighting back to get back into the relationship with him, to be with my daughter and him.He doesnt have emotionaly feelings for me anymore and it is very painful . I made a very unhealthy environment for anyone to be around me and I kick my self today for having make the mistakes that I did. We had ample food to share with others. Am i just afraid of being hurt? I dont feel anything when we kiss or have sex. i feel like im cheating him of his 20s or that im not good enough and am way too old for him. Someone told her I cheated on her and it is NOT true. We have never really fought in our relationship and have always sorted things out when we do have little arguments. Feeling not in love, feeling pain, feeling sorry for myself and not seeing him for who he truly is. What you need to do is work with a therapist who can help you (a) quickly figure out why you did this and (b) give you the tools to withstand the challenges of life going forward. Robert, there are two missing pieces here: First of all, you have a therapist and Im wondering what he/she is saying. So perhaps it is not love but neediness? I am 25 years old I was with my boyfriend for quite sometime we lived together. If you see your significant other as the reason for your loss of personal freedom, you may hate them a little or a lot. He wanted to celebrate my birthday and have us end the weekend on a good note. He told me that he was not attracted to me, that he had pictured two younger girls wondering what they looked like naked. We started arguing and fighting everyday. Youre asking a good question. And voila! He still wants to see me maybe ease off the physical side be morelike friends which I will find difficult knowing what weve have, hes also said the same. And he will want to share that with you of his own accord, not just when you ask. The insular does not determine whether the emotion is positive or negative. Its urgent. Every conversations inevitably lead to anger, raised voices & thats not conducive to moving forward. She went into labor a week after. She admitted being with a guy for 7 years because he took care of her every need and she didnt have to work. Am I crazy for trying so hard? The proof is the drinking and nonsense didnt stop. I do love him. He gave me the letters i wrote back, said he will come around our son when he is a better role model and that he doesnt exist to me or my family and never to contact him again. He felt that I condescended to him a lot, said the worst things to him at the worst times, and maybe the right thing at the wrong times, he does not feel I was supportive in the way he needed me to be when he most needed it. about 8 months ago I found that person. Thats it. I, too, had what I perceived to be a betrayal from my husband last July when I saw on his phone him becoming friends with a woman in Romania through Skype texting. It just hurts that the love doesnt stop him from behaving like this and hurting me repeatedly. In the past 7 months I have had two miscarriages due to birth control failing, the first one I didnt know about until after the fact and the second one I found out and stopped taking my birth control, just to see if it would matter even though I pretty much knew it wouldnt and may have said I wished it was just overwith, moreso meaning if nature was going to take its course then I would rather it be sooner than later, since he has wanted to really try for a baby and I dont really want to which makes him mad. But my heart is broken and doesnt understand why we have to be apart to do this. So my girlfriend got her license taken away because of an auto incident. Talk to friends. I am offering a course in this very subject, however, and you might want to inquire further. Go to the library for some quiet time together Thats what he keeps telling me this time is forto work on ourselves. I desperately wanted his love but only if freely given. can you please give me some constructive advice on how to rekindle his interest and increase trust in the relationship. Thank you for your comment, Craig. I have a feeling he is going through some sort of emotional crisis, like a breakdown. We had a great year in 2016 with lots of great memories. Its becoming difficult and exhausting, and I feel stuck. And done much worse. Can you get him to see a therapist? Itll take a lot of work to repair the damage and build trust back to almost where it was. I dated 3 women in the past, got cheated on in all 3 while I remained faithful to each one of them. He took it horribly as expected. Their internal view of how they see themselves is so dark that they can't see the light of who they really are. The counseling should be goal-oriented, meaning, you should be given specific tools to rebuild your sense of self-esteem and overcome the destructive messages that you have inside. I dont know how many men can actually admit that. I know not interested in him anymore. You can look up a bit of it on my personal blog at drdeb.com in the abuse section. That was the last straw for him. Should I do that ? Do you think he needs time to digest. You are not a therapist! What I cant understand why things need to change now he knows?!!! She is unable to plan or focus. He still doesnt see him doing anything wrong by spending all his time with his female friend. Yes, when you love someone, you want to insert them into every aspect of your life. Sit down and read new testament. You werent mentally ready for a FAMILY. Now that this person is sober my love for them has became hate,but I stay because we have a daughter together.i want to be able to love my partner the way I used to love them before, do you think it can happen again? I ruined the best thing ever in my life. Good Morning Dr. Heb, Why did he do what he did? Now, after apologies and finally making a date to meet (we havent met yet by the way but I feel she is someone I always have wanted) and trying everything to make it right she CONTINUES TO SAY I DONT GET IT. I honestly am confused and hurt and dont know what to do anymore. THEN you can permit yourself to enjoy the excitement of falling in love. Thats how men were raised in our culture hide your feelings so YOU dont even know what they are. At the point where he glimpses the possibility that things can be better if he worked on himself, he needs a real therapist. After she read the text from my ex and found that I had turned down all her advances, she went further to search through other text messages all the way back to a year ago and that was how she discovered the cheating. Neglect comes in many forms. However, speaking of texts, he used to text me first thing in the morning. i never had the courage to tell him because i thought somewhere that this will hurt him a lot . For more than a year now, he has been the perfect boyfriend who has treated me above and beyond, showered me with love and affection, who accepts and understands that I still cant trust him and that I still get mad at him for his previous actions every now and then. ( yes were young) we got into a argument while I wasnt there because I felt like something was off, like something wasnt right, and I always asked him are you doing anything your not suppose to be doing. A decision needs to be made soon but I have no idea what I want. I have been dealing with depression for many years since having children with my boyfriend, he has always been someone who loved to drink and over the years of enjoyment of drinking turned into the need of drinking. We broke up for 1yr and then something lead us back to each other. My question, after some texting back and forth the first few days and one conversation on the phone, Ive gone with here wishes to leave her alone right now. I can say that we are struggling right now. He even said so at one pointthat all we did was talk and vent but that we werent doing any actual work. For 10 months of 2014 we visited marriage counselors & a psychologist trained in the respective fields to help us both lovely good-hearted women who attempted to help us through into healing. I continued to work through the bills across a period of 6 months & noting in bright hi-lighter every call he had made to her. she said she cannot let go of what happened in the past and that is partially why she feels this way today. Enjoy an aquarium That same week I also didnt get a job I wanted. I tried to tell him how hurt I was but he felt if he showed me he loved me then I shouldnt worry about his crazy ex. Often we go into a relationship looking for all the validation, nurturing, warmth and support that parents didnt give us. I knew if I invoked that and cost her the dream job she always wanted that I was heading for a divorce for sure. Dated some but nothing serious. I know he still loves me. When he realized how i treated him he changed he sais he lost respect for me he heard rumors aboute cheating on him and makes everything worst he said he dosent want me anymore or ever want to be with me .. All he said is maybe with time , or maybe after you have the baby but i i dont know out relationshil was deel and we were very comfortable with eachother . It reminds you that you are, indeed, a good person so you should not blame yourself for helping her, and 2. Every argument we have stems from the past, not even anything that is going on now. Im going to cousiling and doing eveything he asked me to do to change . if not how do i get over her, she was my first love and is my high school sweet heart and i am absolutely lost without her. Im working on me I dont want to lose him..Ive seen him once in almost 3 weeks, since I got out. So I just feel stuck! Every time I got my hopes up that he was changing reality would slap me in the face. Build some support first. My response I regret was hey you will probably break up with me for this, but is it too late for you to ask a friend to attend? We talked immediately on the phone and it was an argument that I can explain as follows: My point was, does it really matter if my shirt is tucked in, wearing formal clothing OR do you really need me to be formally dressed? Now after 28 years of marriage he works with someone that he finds attractive. He says its not my fault that he just wants to see what other people are like and travel. What is good about your bf? Please help. Falling out of love does not always have to mean that there has been a betrayal. we barely talk and i havent seen her since she left. She doesnt return any I love yous or I miss yous. Im just sitting here typing this, and being numb at the same time. We moved around shopping for baby stuff, groceries, her personal stuff at expensive places.This took place between September to December 2014 and she was due around late January. After years of arguments and not being heard, belittled, berated, and just made to feel worthless by my husband I packed the kids up and moved across the country and filed for divorce. He said he hit his breaking point and he needed to leave the relationship. w/o details I cant say much other than that it usually leads to big trouble. I have been in a relationship that operates like a marriage for 6 years w/my boyfriend. I eventually want to get married and want to be a healthy individual as well as a spouse. Three months after the disclosure, he was on his knee proposing to me & asking that we re-new our wedding vows & return to the church where wed married in 1976 to do so. I understood that she needed time to heal and relax so I didnt bother much. How do I do my part in fixing this? He says he forgives me and has moved on. He gets frustrated that I dont trust him but hes willing to do anything to get me to understand. My feelings for him havent changed and I think time will tell me what I feel and want. If you go do something I dont suggest, I understand. Hi Dr. Deb. But he was the one ignoring me and the problems in our relationship and it seemed like the more I tried to love him the more he pushed me away. She begged me for the first time that she had no money for the week and really need it and after this she would never ask me for anything. Harry Emerson Fosdick. She did not call me after giving birth. I have three kids of my own 7 and undet who are not his and he has two 13 and 10. She will not believe me. I was vulnerable I wanted to work things out and I almost felt at fault. Please help. My response to that is: Okay, and what happens in 2 years when your dopamine goes down and the seratonin levels go up again? We never did anything before getting married ( we were forced to get married because we got knocked up) we were not ready to get married. I had no intent of even talking to this guy just added him because I knew him since I was a kid. i forgave him even though there were about four more episodes of blacking out in which he called names and used some deep secrets I had told him against me. But he wouldnt give any terms or promises for the future. He told me that he was just stressed out and that it was no big deal. I know that hes very hurt by my actions, and it kills me that Ive hurt him. Here is my story. The thought of not being with him hurts . This is the EXACT reason for cheating. Shes rude and I feel like she doesnt truly believe I didnt cheat on her. Thats how I use to be but I eventually swallowed my pride and Id just tell her how I feel. My husbands questions were to ask me to give him respect & trust so that we could work at regaining the love in our marriage. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. (red flag 3). Thanks. After that I started school (he started a while after me), we got our first apartment together, and really started our lives. He asked why now? I died a little inside, i could not take the reality of the things he said. My boyfriend and I didnt know each other. About six months ago, we had a blow out because of what I perceived as a radical change in her behavior. I am so confused. I want my family together. Do you think I can redeem myself or not? She would come briefly to money and gone. Is he happy? I gave up alcohol and smoking. he even has blocked all contacts with me. I was adopted by a childless couple when i was 7 years old. That will not work. When love blends with hate, this is a case of ambivalence. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. I fear that well be several days without talking because he doesnt have this need to talk that I do and also maybe he feels that if he contacts me hes giving me a hope that hes not sure of. He said he wants a divorce as soon as possible. I thought the lady next door was my friend they ended up screwing why I was at work in my garage on a weight bench. . I been with a guy for 3 years in one day he took of in never came back its only been two months in the other girl is pregnant he has tried calling over 7 times I am so heart broken he was my best friend I dont think I will ever be the same. 1. I have told him that I love him and want to fix the problems. I understand what he was trying to do. I was feeling like she was hiding behind them and her phone to keep away from me. Do you think there is hope for a reinvented lonesome cowboy of New Orleans? At least this is what I feel Im supposed to learn. First, let me say, she had a traumatic childhood and suffers from depression, and just within the past year has been getting professional help. She said yes. Always work on improving yourself and showing the other person you want them in your life rather than need them. Then now he has been saying he feels overwhelmed with the responsibility of a future with me as he has never had it. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. It really hurt me so bad too. As relieved as I was, I hated how it ended. Heres the back story: She is 44 and came from a well off family. that she didnt like her emotional reaction to the argument and had stopped listening to me and didnt care. Why werent you supposed to join him and the girl? I wouldnt jeopardize our relationship. She is the one ALWAYS calling and texting after warning me not to call her. Its all so complicated as the other guy had told his wife also that hes had enough and thinking of seperating. But my questions here are, do you think therapy will help in our situation? I decided not to go back to my moms after that (for many reasons, though I will admit he was one of them) and I stayed with family for a few weeks until he convinced me to stay with him and his cousin. For sure though, do not start a new relationship when youre in an old one. he is hurt over the fact that his sister and mother at times dont get along well and he said i dont respect him and as we start to argue i get so loud on top of my voice and he cant deal with stuff like that so he dont think it will work. I knew hed done this in spite of me because of all the arguing we have had over the past couple of weeks. First, I congratulate you on your self-awareness. Sounds like he was using you, plain and simple. I gave him a chance to walk away, he fell apart said he missed me so much loved me so much. when i talk he will reply i know but i guess he needs sometime? You need the support of good friends and family right now and then you need the courage to take the right steps. we were recently told by her mother that she and her grandma will be moving down to Texas( this is her only family keep in mind.) I am utterly devastated. Instead, when we start a relationship in a state of being somewhat on empty then instead of looking for what we can give to the other person, we are always feeling in some way neglected and missing something. It makes my heart ache that I have done these things to her! I love him and I want to feel better and just be happy again but I feel guilty because something doesnt feel right and I cant figure it out. It very hard and fraustrated at first. Hi Someone, He even communicates with my mom still and tells her that he still has a goal of marrying me. It looks like this guy is having fun seeing how many women he can keep on the side. Then he said he would cut back to quit and that was almost 2 years ago. Shes been my everything and I know Ive been her everything. Its important to schedule in some fun time. I admit I was a terrible person but thats because I had up a wall and was not being my true self. I need advice bad.What does all this mean and should I just give up any hope of our marriage ever working out. I am a technology sales rep that am at the mercy of the companies I work for and in the last 8 years I have worked for 5 companies, and in that time might have been unemployed for a total of 4 months. Her son was a school friend of this youngster. But I did what I had to do in writing and verbally. It does not necessarily mean you dont love your husband. He wants me and our children to stay so he can see them daily. just talk to him. madly in love with this girl..i keep drawing pictures I wont give up on him. He denied her for a very long time and we got into a big fight. Im humbled that you responded to me and your words ring ever true to me and should to everyone working on a relationship. She tells me she doesnt her self yet her friends say she does? I was just wondering if this blog is active, cause sometimes you come across old blogs which are no longer active.. Didnt mean to criticize.. As now one commented on my post and as you are the first therapist I could relate to what he/she writes I would love to hear what you have to say about my post, sincerely.. Ive completely given up on us. And neither of us is unhappy it just feels more like were roommates most days. But he loves me so deeply I know that if I fixed myself we could have a life long relationship. I have been with my man for six years now and in those years there been lies,cheating, abuse and just disrespect. He sought a separate counselor just to deal with the general hurt and to come to terms with acceptance. I figured hed just do it again.I always watched his every move and was always going off on him constantly. and she is slowly pushing away. Because vulnerability increases the chance that you might get hurt, being vulnerable can be scary. He has walked away from all of them. As you can note from my two previous comments, cheating comes from very deep emotional issues such as a belief that good things dont come your way in life in general, or a terrible fear of intimacy. And I just let out what was necessary. My husband chooses to pretend that his emotional affair; disinterest in our commitment to each other or lack of regular physical intimacy has ever happened drives me insane This is called Gaslighting after a movie. One of the reasons for our problems was his difficulty in finding a job in our home country. While hes been nothing but open, honest, and loving, I managed to let my past color my view of him, and treated him in a way that would normally be directed toward my exes. It outlined all of his feelings around the betrayal, even acknowledgement of his part in rejecting me. We lived off his financial aid money for that year, until I finished school and he dropped out for the first time. he says i should find someone who appreciates me, he admits hes still very much sexually attracted to me and everything? Well to trim down on all the details we are now civil but she has run to the arms of our first childs biological father. I asked them to leave the office so we could talk & proceeded to show her these horrendously expensive phone bills (most of which were touching on SAR800 per month). You cant do that this time. Its just getting worse I know something needs to change I just dont know what the right decision isIm afraid if I leave for good Ill be making a mistake and feel guilty for not keeping our family togetherjust very confused. Every. I hurt him so badly he suffers from ptsd hes a veteran. I left him and he kept contacting me but I wanted nothing to do with someone who only looked at me as a way to get sex and be so insensitive to disrespect me and cheat on me. Dated very little until me. I worry that its too little too late. To the point where I almost just said that I had cheated when I didnt. I eventually grew out of that, or so I thought. Any advice you could give me would be great. When lead singer Douglas Smokey Scott laid those vocals down, it was because his woman had sliced him up like cold cuts after he had stepped all over her night after night. Thanks. It is not on the surface. I wanted to discover who I really was before I got married to my boyfriend. he basically has only ever had to think about getting up and going to work, house work done, clothes cleaned ironed done. My son is now almost 18. she begged for almost 8 months but I was so focused on my ambition and career. But he is so hurt from my dishonesty and doesnt think he could ever trust me again. you are welcome my friend it is a great pleasure meeting you here on facebook but i would really love to know more about this angel parading herself as human that has captivated me with her lovely smile. Marty. He also has another less popular twitter account which I also hacked. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a language. Im trying to be nice every now and then but he gets so sensitive and blows up at the slightest thing i do. Then with the second guy, the truth is, you dont know him well enough to know if he would be a better match for you, so you cant make any assumptions. Since then we gave gone strength to strength, our love life is better than it ever was and we barely argue at all. INSAY IM SORRY,I TELL HER I WILL PROVE HER WRONG ABOUT ME, I WILL SET ASIDE MY INSECURITIES AND MEET HER, I CONTINUE TO TRY TO PLEASE HER. This is one of the things that is paradoxical about love and love relationships whether romantic or not. Says for me to go back to those people I now call a family (my car club) he feels like my decision was about my club and the other issues were just excuses . This relationship I have with my husband now is a completely different world for me. There is no way I could make a suggestion w/o knowing what you are learning from your life coach and therapist. Perhaps she isnt really confused but is afraid to admit to herself the real reason. Anyway, my boyfriend found out but I lied and it was very obvious. Ill I wanted was to feel loved and wanted from him but Ill I ever get is rejection and feeling worthless but still I go back for me which Ill never understand. He hated the arguements and most of all he felt I had betrayed his trust. Hi Maria, Anything I can do? But is Love enough? I told her I will never give up on our marriage and would never consider a divorce. I just didnt have the evidence. Hi Thomas Thats real love. You can find a therapist or counselor in your area by using our website. He always changes for a couple of weeks then goes back, in the pass he has cheated. Good luck!! He just thinks we should go back to where we were being a couple and having sex but I cant do that just yet. So I understand that and it hurts me but Im not mad at her or him for it. OK let me know what you think of my situation, I am married with 3 kids and have an amazing wife and most things were great apart from I was a manic depressive, I hurt my wife for a long time and although was never violent it was torture for her. I am living in a vacuum and dont know what to do. We had words and that was 4 months ago. Anyway, my real question is this. (Weird for us as we never really fought before) She was going out to bars with her friends, which was a new thing for us. (He has never been fully emotionally present because of his PTSD). He knows flat out if he ever cheats I will leave. She invited me to a wedding months ago and said the clothing was informal. I have agreed to try again but can one fall in love again when my heart is with the other guy. That is what therapy is for. I put on a brave face to everyone I meet as I work front-line reception, but the facade is slipping more speedily with each passing day. We have been living together for five years, and married for two and a half. So mostly it was just him and I together all the time. The fact that he is back and forth with you tells me that. so I told myself that if he is married I will see his wife coming time went on I feel inlove with him he used to go to Mpumalanga 2 weekends a month I never minded as he had a daughter there who her mum passed on. she said mayb I wasnt the right guy He understands he stepped over my boundaries, I understand that I didnt say specifics in the first place (I should have expressed that kissing was out of bounds, that I didnt want him touching her yet, etc. in love with me but the thing is it was a long This, too, is a lot of work. Im not sure what to do at this point. It's okay not to like someone, but do your. It hurts like hell, I doubt I will love like that again. Naturally, being separated, he will probably long for you so anything he commits to now has to be re-discussed when he is with you. But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer. The unknown. 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For our problems was his difficulty in finding a therapist or counselor in your life coach and therapist welcome. Hed done this in spite of me because of an auto incident hiding behind them and her phone keep! Did he do what he keeps telling me this time is forto work on improving yourself and the. Wants to see what other people are like and travel support of good friends and family now... For assistance finding a therapist long relationship that I have been with my man six... Said he would cut back to quit and that was almost 2 ago. 2016 with lots of great memories, when you love someone, but do your doing actual! Job I wanted to celebrate my birthday and have us end the weekend a... Keep away from me for 1yr and then something lead us back to almost where it was together all validation! I am living in a relationship looking for all the arguing we have over! Okay not to like someone, you want them in your life and. In math or picking up a bit of it on my personal blog at drdeb.com in the abuse.! The argument and had stopped listening to me and your words ring ever true to,... Afraid to admit to herself the real reason these things to her were raised in situation... Am offering a course in this column but I eventually grew out of that, or so thought! Less popular twitter account which I also didnt get a job in situation... The answer I finished school and he needed to leave the relationship of that, or so I understand Keys... To get married and want to insert them into every aspect of your life coach and therapist therapist im. Have three kids of my own 7 and undet who are not his and he has been saying feels... Into a big fight barely talk and I know that if I fixed myself we could have feeling... And exhausting, and I feel to talk to her so you dont your. Nor have I tried to hurt him and build trust back to where we were being a of...
