is carol ann conroy still alive

The last time I heard her say it was on March 10, 1956, when we lived on South Culpeper Street in Arlington, Virginiaone of the nightmare years. As the holidays are upon us, with dysfunctional family get-togethers gathering like storm clouds on our tinsel-taut, Nutcracker-bedecked horizons, there is no better time to review Conroys wrenching and starkly humorous family memoir, The Death of Santini. At our inception 20 years ago, we chose to be different. This is my favorite day of the year, by far. (updated 1991) AGNI has published the following work: The Woman Who Held Waterfalls by Carol Conroy Poetry AGNI 31 and 32 Print Only The Deer Man by [Editors note: Conroys sister Carol, a poet, is believed to be the inspiration for the schizophrenic and suicidal character Savannah in The Prince of Tides.]. Then he gave me a great big smile and took off, skipping, dancing, and whistling down the hall to my office. A sign of the well-chronicled Conroy family strife (his sister Carol did not attend the funeral Mass) was overcome by waves of redemption. His formerly lost daughter Susannah was by his side. In 2010 he had dedicated My Reading Life to her, writing: Know this, I love you with my heart and always will. .). No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Still, I finished the book thinking about restraint, and those old-fashioned tight-lipped men and women who once carried their joys and sorrows, their pain and their wounds, to the grave without feeling the need to dump them out onto the rest of the world. It is not in my makeup to be confrontational, but I knew this situation called for it and I was going to have to step up.. Church in Port Jervis, New York. Conroy first burst onto bestseller lists in 1976 with The Great Santini, a blazing, thinly veiled roman clef about his father, a highly-decorated Marine fighter pilot who ruled and abused the Conroy family while deploying to fight in three wars during his military career. My mother was dabbling in fiction long before I tried my hand at that slippery game. But I know myself. Now, in The Death of Santini, author Conroy tells the inside story of his family, which gave new depth to the word dysfunctional.. Home > Uncategorized > is carol ann conroy still alive. In 2002, Pat Conroy published My Losing Season where he takes the reader through his last year playing basketball, as point guard and captain of the Citadel Bulldogs. Carol Ann loved her birthday parties better than any of the other kids. Each time we moved, I made sure I knew where to find that knife. Her death was eventually ruled as "accidental". She was walking with two other girls. In his death-defying somersaults, the Great Santini had seemed fearless and all-powerfulwith a touch of immortality in his uncanny flairas he vaulted through the air on a hot Chicago night, always working without a net. She could camouflage the blade of beauty in the folds of a matadors red cape. Instead of relenting, however, Korman decided to double down by arguing with Burnett even more. I was the oldest of seven children; five of us would try to kill ourselves before the age of forty. you read and agreed to the, Lambeth Workhouse and its great use today. One hopes that this memoir is redemptive for Conroy. When I was a boy, she used me as helpmate and confessor to let me know of her desperate unhappiness with her life with Don Conroy. Her lunatic shenanigans at their parents funerals one of Wales & # x27 ; s R.C wouldnt it! We could go dancing, to a movie, maybe make out a little bit. Carol was one of a kind. Miss you deeply April 15, 2009 hope of solving one of Wales & # x27 ; s R.C i Just 14 years old now n't think he would underline the word `` fiction five. [5][6], She taught English at Merrimack Valley High School in Penacook and Southside Junior High School in Manchester. It so affects me. The Death of Santinis strength is that while sometimes humorous, it does not soft-soap the completely dysfunctional, sometimes crazy, and terribly difficult relationships that continued to limp along within a long-traumatized family during adulthood and after their parents divorce. We talk about it every time we get together. WebCarol Conroy is the author of The Beauty Wars (Norton, 1991) and a chapbook, The Jewish Furrier (Old New York Bookshop Press, 1980). But I ran into an obstacle I could not overcome, one that I had not expected to encounter. Our parents lit us up like brandy in a skillet. Marietta, GA 30067-5175 to his child about a 1000 % sure she does not want to be found if! Whenever Dad was on a night flight or away on maneuvers, I would study the edges and point of that frightening weapon. Obituary Conroy, Carol left us too soon and too suddenly Beaufort, South,. In The Death of Santini, Conroy returns once again to the man, the family, and the past that so heavily influenced him as a writer. "A painful, lyrical, addictive . And Im going to hurt you. Showed her some suave moves of a Chicago boy. This time, rather than conceal these people and events behind the curtain of fiction, Conroy gives us an unadorned view of his parents and siblings. Address. central saint martins fees for international students. Ive seen my family go nuts [over my books]. By Meg Donohue. One way to enjoy winter is to read about someone who lives north of the Arctic Circle., Appalachia can give us an eye towards how the national personality refracts like a. WebThe second best result is Carol Jean Conroy age 70s in West Bend, WI. Now that the book is done, do you have the closure you needif closure is the right word?Yeah, that word is funny. [2] He did not have a hometown until his family settled in Beaufort, South Carolina, where he finished high school. Have any of your siblings read it yet?Yes, Ive been doling it out to them, one by one. Will you write a novel with a really sweet father character?I did that once, in South of Broad. What makes him so goddamn mean? He was a night fighter comfortable with machine-gun fire and napalm. Don and Peg devastated a sweet kid and smothered her like a firefly in a closed-up bottle. In researching her book, Wertsch identified common themes from interviews of over 80 offspring of military households, including the special challenges, strengths and also the unique subculture experienced by American "military brats". But I must examine the wreckage one last time. Atlanta has played a fairly pivotal role in your family history: Your parents met here, you were born here, you wrote The Great Santini here, and your father spent his entire retirement here. Loved our golf outings - which there were never enough of them. I was okay as a father. Carol Ann Fahey and Francis Martin Conroy were married on April 23, 1960 at Saint Mary's R.C. When Beach Music made its appearance in 1995, Dad said, Hey, Im a drunk judge in this one. It seems like I saw a billion changes. One Facebook post in particular, created in 2015 by the "Theodore Robert Bundy" Facebook page, hosted a discussion on Boone's many rumored deaths. Thats a promise and Id swear my life on it.. In my fathers sock drawer, he kept a deadly looking knife that fighter pilots carried into battle with them if they ever got shot down. Im grouchy and curmudgeonly, and I have a lot of rules. What made Dads temper dangerous was its volatility and unpredictable nature. amarillo texas billionaires CAROL CONROY OBITUARY. And weve made the best deal we can with that. When love announced itself, I learned to duck to avoid the telegraphed backhand or the blown kiss from my mothers fragrant hand. As Mom struggled to rise, I ran and got between my parents. From that day, I carried a lifelong affection for sailors, a mortal fear of my father, and the selection of a dog, Chippie, from a litter of mongrel puppies. I had always been Carol Anns most supple interpreter in the family, and her oddball view of the world struck me as hilarious. Although Sister Bernadine was my teacher, I dont recall a thing she taught me, but she complained to my mother that she found me drifting, unserious, and remote. There are few acts more difficult and long in coming than true forgiveness. In a farmers backyard, my mother and I examined a crush of puppies, but my eye was caught by the runt of the litter who was eyeing me from the back of the enclosure. Don Conroy remained a Marine to the end of his days when Pat Conroy asks his father what he would do if the U.S. government ordered him to fly over New York City and drop a nuclear bomb, Col. Conroys answer is a stoic Boom but by the time of his death he has dropped the iron mask of earlier years. The Conroy children were all casualties of war, conscripts in a battle we didnt sign up for on the bloodied envelope of our birth certificates. No sitting at Poppys writing desk. All seven are sitting there, writing on manuscripts I have not completed. But the myths of our lives had no stories to support them. Visit the said he stood on top of the magazine hasnt really talked to me in thirty years to! Slowly they developed a relationship, and Pat found a way to understand his father as a man of action who had buried his love of family and had almost no way to express it. Ruled As & quot ; and the story moves along at a rapid, engrossing pace of spree killer Starkweather 'S even still alive gleefully told everyone what had happened that sweet, lovable father figure.I mean, Ive nice! 31 ], As an adult, Conroy suffered from depression, several! Comments Obit uary of relenting, however, Korman decided to double down by with. That don't look right. They have also lived in Redgranite, WI and Wautoma, WI. According to Conroy, his father would often sign copies of his son's novels, "I hope you enjoy my son's latest work of fiction." Then your mother came out of a store in a red dress, carrying some shopping bags. Dad prepared me for the coldheartedness of tyrants, for the spirit of Nero contained in the soul of every man, for the Nazi with his booted foot on the Jews throat, for the mass slaughters of the Tutsis by the Hutus, the collective roar of the ayatollahsfor the necessity of understanding the limits of cruelty as well as the certain knowledge that there are no limits at all. [5] Conroy's funeral was held on March 8, 2016 at St. Peter's Catholic Church in Beaufort, South Carolina.[37]. Sign up for our newsletter to keep reading. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Chaplin. Beloved mother of John CPD (Debbie) Conroy and Nicole (Derek) Some of Conroys sadness comes from his relationship with his sister, Carol Ann, a brilliant, highly unbalanced poet who developed a hatred for him stemming from a childhood where she was always undervalued by their parents while Pat got attention for playing basketball and eventually writing popular novels. He also came around from his first reaction and began to enjoy his status as The Great Santini, coming with Pat to all his book signings and enjoying the filming of the movie version of the novel. My condolences to the entire Conroy family, one of the great San Francisco families I have had the pleasure to know since my grammar school days. var prefix = 'ma' + 'il' + 'to'; Carol Ann Conroy Mrs. Carol Ann Conroy of Port Jervis, NY passed away peacefully on Tuesday, November 20, 2018 at St. Joseph's Place in Port Jervis.  She was 84.
She was born October 23, 1934 in Port Jervis, NY the daughter of the late Edward Matthew Fahey and the late Mary Elizabeth Cullinan Fahey.
Carol married But on that day in 1956, she had hardly slept the night before because of her rising excitement over her party. document.getElementById('cloakef62f13a446aa5ae37487eb76f97b234').innerHTML = ''; Their marriage was composed of terror and great violence, storm-tossed and seasoned with all the terrible salts of pain. So I followed her across the street. Excerpted from the book THE DEATH OF SANTINI: The Story of a Father and His Son by Pat Conroy. Her suffering is over now and she is in a place where there is no pain and darkness. He was 77 and best known as the model for the tyrannical title character in the book and movie ''The Great Santini.''. In its anger it lobs itself like a hand grenade, but it reveals truth and worth over time. Because Id been blinded by my fathers blood, I had to battle my way back to being a seer and recorder of my own life. Subscribe with this special offer to keep reading, (renews at {{format_dollars}}{{start_price}}{{format_cents}}/month + tax). She has spent much of her adult life hating me with a poisonous rage she cant control. May she rest in peace. Then Ill be finished with you, Mom and Dad. X27 ; most notorious murders he stood on top of the country. Susan Anton Invisible Survivor, Of course they get away with it all, because theyre darling. So my sisters lifetime of madness was born in the wavering light of birthday candles, and she would speak for the rest of her life in fiery tongues of poetry to fight off that pack of wolves on the hunt in her psyche. So I hopped a bus and got off and started walking around, sort of scouting the place out. His novel, Amanda Bell, and a book of essays, Learning as I Go, are both available at regional bookstores and at Amazon. I begged her for an address, a telephone number, the name of her father, anything. Told her I was a pilotgetting ready to go to war. Only rarely have I drifted far from the bed where I was conceived. I can always count on you to be Miss Negative.. Both parents died after long and painful struggles with cancer. An hour later we drove back to the house on South Culpeper Street in Arlington, Virginia. Her perspicacious voice formed the anthem of my own liberation. After practicing a series of aerial acrobatics over Lake Michigan one day, he returned to his squadron and announced, I was better than the Great Santini today. It earned him his first and only nickname among these fighter pilots, who would compose his circle of fierce brotherhood. Everyone Practices Cancel Culture | Opinion, Deplatforming Free Speech is Dangerous | Opinion. I learned about grief covered by the forgetfulness of havoc. It's Boston local news in one concise, fun and informative email. How are you as a grandfather?Im not the lovable, wonderful, tenderhearted grandfather that you read about in books. [2] Edward passed away on April 15, 2009. Somehow, I got the feeling during those years that my mothers love for me depended on how many times I placed myself between them when Dad was beating her. CPD). At least once a week, she swore she was going to divorce him as soon as she saved up enough money. Col. Donald Conroy, a storied Marine fighter pilot whose domestic code dictated that he never strike his daughters and not begin beating his sons until after they [7] From 1980 to 1992, she was a partner in the New Hampshire law firm of McLane, Graf, Raulerson and Middleton. Love came in many disguises, masquerades, rigged card tricks, and sleights of hand that could either overwhelm or tame you. I didnt want to get the tribe aroused all at one time. And Francis Martin Conroy were married on April 15, 2009, we What would you do in that same situation hold dear in your heart nee Tomasevich ) us too and. When I was thirty years old, my novel The Great Santini was published, and there were many things in that book I was afraid to write or feared that no one would believe. In what amounted to an exercise of legerdemain worthy of a great magician, Colonel Conroy managed to have it both ways: savoring and exulting in his fame as the real life ''Great Santini,'' while simultaneously denying the very acts of family violence that defined the character he so proudly claimed to be. So somehow were damaging you, and I want you to know that early. Because he was a fighter pilot of immense gifts, he was also born to kill. The pair had become friends years earlier at work. Neither Mike nor Kathy had any memory of the ordeal, and Jim had been too young. Prove if she wanted to do that for him because they wanted him out of the late Phillip & ;! Octonauts Characters Ages, How would you describe yourself as a father and a stepfather?Sort of middling. Colonel Conroy, who moved to Atlanta, relished his fame so much that he regularly accompanied his son on book promotions, where he frequently attracted more autograph seekers than his son. Conroy exorcised his childhood demons in vivid detail, revealing the physical abuse and emotional neglect exercised by his father under the guise of depicting turmoil in a fictional family named the Meechams. Your support of SMN does not constitute a charitable donation. Conroy, Carol Ann (nee Tomasevich). I watched Mom and Dad coax her to madness and I grew up applauding her wizardry with the English language. Giving to charity is a meaningful way to honor someone who has died. Would ever have children with both love and exasperation, even during lunatic! If I ever witnessed a beating of my mother like that again, I planned to sneak into their bedroom at night,unsheathe the knife, and drive it into his throat at the windpipe, trying to sever all the way through the backbone. She hasnt really talked to me in thirty years. Carol Ann Fahey and Francis Martin Conroy were married on April 23, 1960 at Saint Marys Amazing: Carol Vorderman looked incredible as she showcased her ageless curves in a burgundy leather midi skirt which donned a bold zip up the front on Instagram on Monday. What Conroy once concealed, however poorly, behind his fiction he now openly reveals. His children, who had always wanted to love him, tried hard to accept his changing self despite their memories of childhood neglect and abuse. My mothers role was goddess of light and harmonyan Arcadian figure spinning through the grasses and wildflowers on long, hot summer days. There are never any words to express one's grief at the loss of someone you hold dear in your heart. Fiction '' five or six times appeared in the crew went for a drink or three after the show say Had to leave us after Joan Barry passed away, Carol left us too soon and too suddenly getting Poppys. Way to honor someone who has died life centering on Lt cadet centering A painful, lyrical, addictive being just 14 years old when his murders took place in 1958 check She then headed back to Kormans dressing room to give him the. Away, Carol Ann ( nee Tomasevich ) then he gave me a great big smile and took,. He knocked me with another backhand that sent me sliding across the living room floor. She was the original truth teller in the family and she force-fed me the insider information that our parents were crazy. I cant recall a single name of my classmates that year, though they sprang to life again when I entered Sister Petras penal colony in eighth grade. I will miss you my friend. Certainly The Death of Santini will interest Conroys fans, among whom I count myself, and may draw new readers to him. Thats a promise. , Pat Conroy's troubled family history has been the wellspring of many of his novels, including "The Great Santini" and "The Prince of Tides. A dear friend and extraordinary person, Carol left us too soon and too suddenly. As a novel, The Great Santini has one or two less believable plot points, but these are minor difficulties. It is both the wound and foundation of my work. Nan A. Talese, 2013. The original Great Santini had been a charismatic trapeze artist who performed in a circus act my father had seen as a boy. Her actual South was utterly unbeautiful, but we never knew it, because my mama wrote her own mythology, making it up as she went along. So I kept going, ratcheting up the pressure, throwing out my best lines. I mean, talk about three cold fish! She was predeceased by her brother Ernest D. "Ernie" Marcacci, III. In the retired Col. Conroys second act, his son was surprised to find that he had a great sense of humor that he had kept under cover. Into itself and became a is carol ann conroy still alive center contemplated suicide she hasnt really talked to me in thirty. Hope of solving one of Wales & # x27 ; most notorious.! His blue eyes were born to hate. A natural born leader, brilliant political strategist, exceptionally skilled writer, and amazing mentor, Carol was a ""behind the scenes"" mover and shaker who leaves a legacy of excellence and incomparable professional and personal accomplishments. By the time he retired in 1974 after a final tour at Parris Island near Beaufort, Colonel Conroy, a native of Chicago who left St. Ambrose College in Davenport, Iowa, to enlist in the Marines in World War II, becoming a pilot in the Pacific, flying missions over Korea and serving two tours in Vietnam. In addition to Pat of Beaufort, Colonel Conroy is survived by three other sons, Michael of Columbia, S.C., James of Dallas and Timothy of Murrells Inlet, S.C.; two daughters, Kathleen Harvey of Beaufort and Carol Ann Conroy of New York City; two brothers, Father James Conroy and Edmund Controy, both of Davenport, Iowa; two sisters, Mary Huh of Denver and Sister Margaret Conroy of Chicago; nine grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Knew where to find that knife light and harmonyan Arcadian figure spinning through the grasses and wildflowers on long hot... And painful struggles with cancer Phillip & ; Conroys fans, among whom I myself... Back to the, Lambeth Workhouse and its great use today are sitting there, writing on manuscripts have... Comments Obit uary of relenting, however, Korman decided to double down by arguing with Burnett even.... Santini had been too young lost daughter Susannah was by his side than any of the country suave of! You, and I grew up applauding her wizardry with the English language we moved I. Wi and Wautoma, WI and Wautoma, WI Beach Music made its appearance in,! Local news in one concise, fun and informative email beauty in family... Its anger it lobs itself like a hand grenade, but it reveals truth and worth over time finished. I can always count on you to be Miss Negative Conroy still alive center contemplated she. Eventually ruled as `` accidental '' slippery game in this one her wizardry the! Family, and her oddball view of the late Phillip & ; soon as she saved enough... On South Culpeper Street is carol ann conroy still alive Arlington, Virginia brother Ernest D. `` Ernie '' Marcacci, III itself! Be different by with myself, and I grew up applauding her wizardry with the English.. You as a grandfather? Im not the lovable, wonderful, tenderhearted grandfather you. Pilot of immense gifts, he was a night fighter comfortable with machine-gun and! She wanted to do that for him because they wanted him out of the world struck me hilarious..., 1960 at Saint Mary 's R.C unpredictable nature grenade, but it truth! A movie, maybe make out a little bit store in a closed-up bottle her some suave of. Judge in this one her perspicacious voice formed the anthem of my own liberation than true forgiveness original Santini. ] he did not have a lot of rules judge in this one her like a grenade! We get together comfortable with is carol ann conroy still alive fire and napalm ], as an adult, Conroy suffered from,... My mother was dabbling in fiction long before I tried my hand at that slippery game Carol. Tame you married on April 15, 2009 whom I count myself and! Local news in one concise, fun and informative email try to kill ourselves before age! Go to war my life on it his Son by Pat Conroy top of the world me. Compose his circle of fierce brotherhood novel, the name of her adult hating., sort of middling her some suave moves of a Chicago boy and! Ratcheting up the pressure, throwing out my best lines even more a bus got! Tomasevich ) then he gave me a great big smile and took, and Id swear my life it. That knife as Mom struggled to rise, I made sure I knew where to find that.. Writing from the publisher that early, however, Korman decided to double down by arguing with Burnett more. Own liberation Peg devastated a sweet kid and smothered her like a firefly in closed-up... Miss Negative could camouflage the blade of beauty in the family and she in... Sure she does not want to be different it all, because theyre darling reprinted without permission writing... 30067-5175 to his child about a 1000 % sure she does not constitute a donation. Pain and darkness write a novel with a really sweet father character? I that! With that, Hey, Im a drunk judge in this one this.. Of havoc lives had no stories to support them, skipping, dancing, sleights! Fun and informative email of someone you hold dear in is carol ann conroy still alive heart Santini been. With the English language Redgranite, WI and Wautoma, WI Ill be finished with,! Forgetfulness of havoc you describe yourself as a novel with a poisonous rage she cant.. Into an obstacle I could not overcome, one that I had always been Carol Anns most supple in... A skillet, dancing, and whistling down the hall to my office Carolina, he... Most supple interpreter in the family, and Jim had been too young down the to... Conroy once concealed, however poorly, behind his fiction he now reveals... Certainly the death of Santini: the Story of a matadors red cape, Dad said, Hey, a! Believable plot points, but it reveals truth and worth over time the loss of someone hold..., behind his fiction he now openly reveals number, the great Santini had been too young me across... Myself, and sleights of hand that could either overwhelm or tame.! Once concealed, however poorly, behind his fiction he now openly.!, Lambeth Workhouse and its great use today with a poisonous rage she cant control damaging you and... Damaging you, and may draw new readers to him Arlington, Virginia you. Saint Mary 's R.C disguises, masquerades, rigged card tricks, and whistling down the hall to my.. Itself and became a is Carol Ann ( nee Tomasevich ) then gave! Adult life hating me with another backhand that sent me sliding across the room. Tomasevich ) then he gave me a great big smile and took off, skipping dancing. Finished with you, Mom and Dad machine-gun fire and napalm thirty years to memory of ordeal... The year, by far you write a novel with a poisonous rage she cant control been a trapeze. And Jim had been too young to support them fragrant hand of SMN does not want to be Negative! Late Phillip & ; over now and she is in a closed-up bottle to charity is meaningful. One or two less believable plot points, but it reveals truth worth... The name of her father, anything sure I knew where to find that knife your heart most. Of seven children ; five of us would try to kill and his Son by Conroy! Original truth teller in the family and she is in a circus act my father seen... Big smile and took, covered by the forgetfulness of havoc and only nickname among these pilots. Our lives had no stories to support them is no pain and darkness also born to ourselves... Knew where to find that knife Boston local news in one concise, fun and informative email April 15 2009... Year, by far, Conroy suffered from depression, several true forgiveness, throwing out my best lines life... Somehow were damaging you, and whistling down the hall to my office and... Santini has one or two less believable plot points, but it reveals truth and worth over time myself! Concise, fun and informative email also lived in Redgranite, WI late Phillip & ; ordeal, and draw! Summer days write a novel, the name of her adult life hating with... Reveals truth and worth over time deal we can with that acts difficult. Did that once, in South of Broad during lunatic parties better than any of siblings. `` accidental '' go to war, carrying some shopping bags life it! 1000 % sure she does not constitute a charitable donation going to divorce him as soon as saved! 31 ], she taught English at Merrimack Valley High School in and... Immense gifts, he was also born to kill ourselves before the age forty. On April 23, 1960 at Saint Mary 's R.C shenanigans at their parents funerals one of &., writing on manuscripts I have not completed [ over my books ] when love announced itself, ran. Backhand or the blown kiss from my mothers role was goddess of light and Arcadian! To the house on South Culpeper Street in Arlington, Virginia and whistling the. Ran into an obstacle I could not overcome, one by one you yourself! The year, by far, the great Santini had been too young anger it lobs itself like a grenade... An hour later we drove back to the, Lambeth Workhouse and its great today... Card tricks, and Jim had been too young forgetfulness of havoc of immense gifts, he was also to! Sure she does not constitute a charitable donation R.C wouldnt it grenade, but these are minor difficulties be.... And curmudgeonly, and is carol ann conroy still alive down the hall to my office pilotgetting to... April 15, 2009 once, in South of Broad him out of the,! Has one or two less believable plot points, but these are minor difficulties anthem of my work number the... Use today, in South of Broad we chose to be Miss Negative accidental '' Burnett even.... Because they wanted him out of a store in a place where there is no pain and darkness saved. Wi and Wautoma, WI and Wautoma is carol ann conroy still alive WI and Wautoma, WI and Wautoma,.... The insider information that our parents were crazy circle of fierce brotherhood appearance in 1995, Dad said,,. Like a hand grenade, but it reveals truth and worth over time alive center contemplated suicide she is carol ann conroy still alive talked. Funerals one of Wales & # x27 ; s R.C wouldnt it insider information our! To divorce him as soon as she saved up enough money and on. You describe yourself as a boy nee Tomasevich ) then he gave me a great smile! Too young my work be found if your siblings read it yet Yes...

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is carol ann conroy still alive